saturday - 22/7/06

On fire. FOR HIM.

I went to church with a troubled mind..I wasnt ready for God yet. I was confused, of what was right. I really didnt know what to do.

I went to cell at Tampines with part of W229. And, um, I have found the answer I was searching for in the last fortnight. I finally understand. I realised that actually, God had the answer, and He was gonna tell me, but He knew that if He told me the first time I asked Him, I couldnt be calm enough, mature enough to understand it.

But now I do la, and yeah, it was what Mike said..It was nothing but a test for me. To see how I would handle failure after a breakthrough. And I shamefully admit that I had failed the test miserably. But I knw that God wun give up on me and He will make sure I will pass it the next time round.

During the sermon about making marriage work from Pst Kong, I was thinking about him. I wondered if he was there in the same hall with me..

Well anyway..I was thinking la. About everything. Was I doing the right thing for the right thing. Seems like a typo error haha..But its not la. I was trying very hard..to get my friend to come to Jesus..he was in His presence, but I dont think its where Jesus really wants him.. I dont wanna say anything about it la. I'm just gonna pray abt it and everything. Maybe you dont want to come to church with me anymore.

Gab told me once..Love me..Love my Jesus. How true it is. Its so simple, but it holds a lot in it. Love me, Love my Jesus..

She said la, that I was becoming a bit too religious. I was thinking, what is too religious? Its either you're for God or not. There's no such thing as being in between. After that, I did a wrong thing by shying away from speaking about God. Sheng said once too, "why is everything God, God, God to you?" Now I realise, its not me being too religious or too close to Jesus. Its you who are away from God. If you are a christian..Why dont you want to hear His holy name?

I expected...good things to come from people like my parents, Gab, and Sheng. But all I heard is "why are you coming home late", "you're too religious", and shockingly, "shut up about God". I expected, "its great you're getting closer to Jesus. Continue to do more things for Him, continue to flourish and grow in His Church".

Are we worshipping the same God? How come some christians are so proud of their God, but the others are acting as though they're ashamed?

I was also asking God, why why? Why arent they happy for me? They are supposed to be christians. But I've questioned God a time too many. Its time to pick up the cross and follow Him. So far, whether I trusted Him or not, He worked things out for me.

I'm not trying to say this life I have is the life every growing christian should have. No. I'm saying that this is my life. And I'm proud of it.. I'm proud of my Jesus. That I will shout out. If God is for me, who can be against me? Call yourselves christians..Then be proud of your Jesus..You're not too good for Him. You're too little for Him, but He took everything you got to offer Him. And I think that alone is amazing enough.

God is an amazing God..God is a big God..And I'm proud to love Him..to be in His Church every Saturday, and to be in His presence everyday..All I gotta do is trust Him. Why be afraid if your God is a big God.. If God is for you, WHO can be against you.